New Year's Resolutions

'Tis 2009 and time to write my annual New Year's Resolutions. It's rather pointless, really; I always abandon my first resolution sometime around January 3 and the rest fall by the wayside before the end of February. Nevertheless, in the spirit of self-improvement, I will try again.

I, Traci Conkle, do hereby resolve:

Refrain from special hand salutes when I finally pass that car doing 25 in a 70 mph zone.

Remind myself that cleanliness is simply not part of the male genome.

Not to lose my temper when some idiot takes a buggy full of merchandise through the "Ten Items or Less Express Lane."

To just smile and not think disparaging thoughts the next time someone tells me "Oh, what fun you must have as a teacher! It's like playing all day long!"

To not throw blunt objects at the television whenever some big company gets a bail out after giving their top execs special privileges.

To make sexism an equal opportunity employer. I'll open my own restaurant and employ scantily clad hunky men to be the waiters. I'll call the restaurant "Peckers."

Do my part to encourage the local economy by consuming chocolate based items.

Try my best to keep a positive outlook at school, even when the stupid copier breaks down (for the umpteenth time) right before a major test that I need multiple copies of.

Love, hug, kiss, and play with Gryffin more. Actually, come to think of it, that's not a necessary resolution because I do that anyway. But it looks good on paper.

Keep the spirit of Christmas in my heart all year long by letting my husband buy me gifts whenever the mood strikes me.

Smile politely whenever someone tells me "Oh, your son looks just like your husband! Aren't you glad?"

There. I've finished with this year's resolutions. Wonder which one will fall first?

A Brush with Blue

I almost died today.

Okay, that's not completely true. It would be more accurate to say I thought I was dying.

It started with my awakening around 5:00 in the morning. I couldn't go back to sleep, so I decided to head on to school and get some work done. I prefer arriving at work before the kids. I get far more accomplished in the morning than in the afternoon.

Anyway, I arrived at school around 6:00. I went about my regular school business: writing lesson plans, grading papers, and creating flipcharts and presentations. During the midst of all my activity, I began to feel a tightness in my chest. I ignored it, figuring it was simply heartburn or a remnant of my illness last week (I had a virus).

All morning long, the tightness in my chest persisted. By 10:00, it was an intense, throbbing pain that washed over me in waves. It felt like my chest was being squeezed by a boa constrictor. I continued to ignore what was happening; I didn't want to take another sick day since I missed a couple days last week due to the virus. I reasoned it was simply heartburn and continued with my business.

Lunchtime arrived and I walked my students to the cafeteria. I could no longer ignore what was happening. The pain was increasing, I was having difficulty breathing, and my limbs were tingling. Knowing these symptoms herald a possible heart attack, I tracked down the school nurse. She took my vital signs and told me I needed to get to the hospital fast.

The school secretary immediately called my husband, Justin. He left work at once and drove to Draper to pick me up. It was faster for him to get me than to call an ambulance, since his school is about a five minute drive to Draper. Anyway, they got me in the car and off we sped to the hospital.

As we drove, I realized that my situation might indeed be life-threatening. I had the terrible suspicion that I would never see Gryffiin again. I told Justin I needed to say goodbye to my son. He tried to reassure me that nothing was going to happen, but deep inside I feared the worst.

I don't remember much of what happened next. I know that Justin helped me into the emergency room and urgently told the nurse he thought I was having a heart attack. I remember the nurses laying me on the bed, stripping me of my shirt and attaching dozens of electrodes to my upper body. They hooked me up to several different machines to monitor my heart rate, blood pressure, and oxygen saturation levels.

For the next few hours, they closely monitored my condition. The pain eased and I began to feel lucid and normal once again. By the time the saline drip finished with my IV, I was feeling fine.
Apparently, the crises had passed.

According to the doctor, I did not have a heart attack. All the tests came back perfectly normal. The doctor explained that most likely I had a panic attack brought on by stress and anxiety. That diagnosis certainly fit the bill; the pain, the feeling of dying, all of those are symptoms of a panic attack. Whatever it was, I never want to experience it again.

On the way home, Justin told me what occurred right after I was admitted. I was drifting in and out of consciousness and mumbling things under my breath. At one point, I said, "I see the blue. It's so beautiful." I also smiled at something and muttered, "I'm so glad to see you! I've missed you for so long." I then told Justin, "Amadeus (my cat who died last year) is here." Justin admitted he was terrified by my statements and demeanor. For my own part, I really don't remember saying those things, and I have no idea what "I see the blue" means.

The doctor told me I needed to rest and ordered me to take the next two days off from work. He diagnosed me as suffering from acute exhaustion, brought upon by insomnia, stress, and anxiety. I'm also supposed to follow up with my family physician and try to avoid stress (and how, do I ask, is that supposed to happen??!!!). So I'm vacationing for the next couple of days.

If there's one thing I've learned from today's experience, it is this: every moment we have with our loved ones is to be treasured above all things. When I thought the end was near, I realized that the most important thing in my life is my son, Gryffin. It's amazing how such an experience can change your perception and open your eyes to the beauty that exists in your life.

The Bible says to "give thanks in all things." I thank God for my brush with blue, because now I remember the joy of living.

What sound does a Gryffin make?

This weekend my husband and brother-in-law went camping. Personally, I thought this was an insane idea since it rained on them non-stop, but boys will be boys. Which brings me to the point of this blog (how's that for a segue?).

Friday evening I read Gryffin one of his favorite books. The book contains pictures of various animals, and Gryffin loves to imitate the sounds of the animals. Our conversation usually goes something like this:

Me: "Look at that bear. What sound does a bear make?"

Gryffin: "Grrrrr!"

Me: "Great job! Look, there's a duck. What sound does a duck make?"

Gryffin: "Quack quack!"

Okay, so you get the point. Anyway, this is a favorite pasttime of Gryffin's, and he was enjoying himself immensely. However, after the seventh time through the book I needed a break, so I began asking him about sounds from animals and things not in the book. For example, I asked what sound a telephone makes, car makes, etc. To his credit, Gryffin managed to imitate most of the objects.

I then asked what sound Dada makes.

Now I'm sure it was just a coincidence. I'm positive. Without a doubt.

Anyway, when I asked Gryffin what sound Dada makes, he paused for a moment, bent over, farted loudly, AND belched.

What could I say? He got it dead to rights.

Love you, Justin:)

Gryffin's Trick or Treating Extravaganza

I know this is a little late, but I'm just now getting around to writing about Gryffin's first experience with trick-or-treating. It was such a monumental event that I wanted to take the time to do the story justice. Now it's almost two weeks later, I'm swamped with work (I've got a yearbook deadline, SACS review, School Improvement Team meetings, Washington DC trip week after next, rough draft of book due before Christmas, Science Fair before Christmas, CHRISTMAS, I could go on but its just going to depress me so I'll stop there). So I decided I better write this entry before I completely forget what happened.

Since Gryffin is only 2.4 years old, this is his first year trick-or-treating. I did make him a costume for his first Halloween; it was a smiley face pull-over that took me six yards of fabric and four hours to make. I am not kidding. Kinda makes me wish I'd been able to take home ec in high school.....but, as usual, I digress. Anyway, this year Gryffin got to wear the dinosaur costume we purchased when he was a newborn and stored just for this happy occasion. He was very excited about being a dinosaur, and when we put the costume on him he "roared" around the house and attacked anything silly enough to be still for a moment. So he was very excited about dressing up, but he didn't understand about trick-or-treating.

We took him to my in-laws, who live in a country club and have access to lots of houses in easy walking distance. We didn't plan on doing a lot of trick-or-treating; after all, does a 2.4 yr old really need sugar? So we planned on visiting two or three houses near my in-laws.

We set out rather late, as it was already growing dark. I designated myself the official photographer and took pictures as Justin and Gryffin walked hand-in-hand down the side of the road. Gryffin seemed a little unsure of the dark, but when reminded that he was a dinosaur, he confidently roared his way to the first house. I stayed back to snap photographs while Justin and Gryffin mounted the steps and rang the door bell.

The young girl who answered the door smiled at Gryffin, mentioned how cute he was, and then held out a tray with two pieces of candy for him to take. Gryffin, knowing a good thing when he sees one, immediately grabbed the candy and said "tank oo." The girl wished them good night, shut the door, and my boys rejoined me on the sidewalk.

Justin and I were curious to see what Gryffin's response would be. He kept staring at the house, repeating, "trick-or-treat candy?" and looking at the two pieces of candy in his basket. By this time, it was very dark and we could hear screams coming from the houses further down (I believe they were doing something to scare the trick-or-treaters, so we decided the one stop was plenty). We turned and began walking back towards our car.

Gryffin apparently decided he liked the concept of trick-or-treating. All the way back to the car, he shouted, "trick-or-treating love oo!" I'd say that's a rave review if ever I've heard one.

I SURVIVED THE DAY FROM HELL or the reason we'll never take Gryffin out in public again

Today was one of those days. Gloriously beautiful; crisp autumn air, a magical landscape of colorful trees, the sights and sounds of fall. One of those days were its a crime to stay indoors. One of those days that make you thankful to be alive.

One of those days that will live in infamy.

My husband and I decided it was time to make our monthly pilgrimage to nearby Greensboro to do some serious shopping. Since the weather was wonderful, we decided to bring along our GPS unit and do some geocaching in between shopping stops. We looked up coordinates, logged in way points, gathered up Gryffin, and set out on our day of fun.

How ironic that all seems now.

We hadn't made it to our first navigational coordinates before we realized our GPS unit was on the fritz. Thinking perhaps the batteries needed changing, we did a quick series of U-turns and headed back to the house. Justin grabbed some fresh batteries and we hit the road. About five minutes later we were back at our first spot, hunting through the underbrush on the side of a hill. Luckily no one was about or we would have been arrested for looking like terrorists. However, about ten minutes into our hunt the GPS once again goes belly-up. Realizing that something more irksome than dead batteries must be the cause for the power failure, we decided to ditch the geocaching and head on to Greensboro for lunch and shopping.

We stopped at the Four Seasons Mall and did our quick shopping (which got us nowhere; they did not have what we were looking for). By the time we left the mall it was around 1:00 and we were ready for lunch.

As is the way with most married couples, Justin and I argued over where to eat. Actually, we argued over who would make the decision about where to eat; each of us insisting that "I don't care, you pick" over and over and over. Eventually, it was decided that Hibachi Japanese would be a good choice. In order to get to the restaurant, we had to once again navigate a series of U-turns, sudden stops, and accelerated lane changes.

Now, if you've ever suffered from car sickness, then you know that U-turns, sudden stops, and accelerated lane changes is the quickest way to go from feeling fine to being sicker than a dog. Anyway, as we're negotiating these motion-sickness inducing maneuvers, Gryffin begins to gag in the backseat.

Concerned, I looked over my shoulder to ask if he was okay. I timed it perfectly; he projectile vomited all over the car right when I looked back.

Three minutes later, Gryffin's feeling better (maybe because he threw up EVERYTHING he'd ever consumed in his life) but Justin and I were feeling decidedly nauseated. However, Gryffin was now starting to cry, "Eat! Eat!" and we knew we couldn't wait the hour and a half it would take to return home. We had to find a restaurant, and fast.

Well, before we could find a restaurant we had to make a stop at the local Babies 'R Us to buy a fresh change of clothing (stupidly I didn't bring any extra clothes on the trip). Justin stripped Gryffin down and hauled him into the bathroom for a quick washing while I went to the sales rack and selected two outfits. By the time I finished paying, Justin and a semi-nude Gryffin (he only had on a diaper) joined me at the front of the store. I held up both outfits and asked which one Gryffin preferred to wear. He excitedly chose the shirt with the slogan "Little Monster."

Apparently, Babies 'R Us should attach a sticker to that particular garment. Warning: wearing this outfit practically guarantees demonic possession.

We cleaned the car as best as we could using paper towels liberated from the Babies 'R Us bathroom. Gryffin's vomit-covered clothing went into a plastic bag and we headed to the Hibachi Restaurant.

Now, Gryffin's been to a Hibachi restaurant before. Normally he enjoys the show immensely. Note that I said 'normally." Today, however, Gryffin simply wasn't in the mood for manners.

We sat down at the table and the waiter brought us soup. Gryffin promptly upended his bowl, spilling hot liquid all over the table. When we took the spoon and bowl from him, he began to scream. By this time, people all over the restaurant were giving us "The Look": that patronizing sneer that practically screams, "You must be terrible parents. Why can't you control your kid?" If not for the fact that we'd already placed our order, we might have left at that point and just gone to McDonalds. In hindsight, that would have been the wise choice.

Our chef arrived and started the show with an impressive firing of the grill. The flames shot up ten feet into the air, causing all at the table to "Oooo" in awe. Gryffin was also enjoying the fire display. In fact, he enjoyed it so much he decided it would be a great idea to climb out of the high chair and go play on the grill. Only with great difficulty were Justin and I able to restrain him in his high chair. Thwarted in his plans for pyrotechnics, Gryffin proceeded to scream. Very loudly. He only screamed two little words, but they were enough to garner the attention of everyone in the restaurant. At the top of his voice he shouted over and over, "Help me! Help me!"

At this point I would dearly have loved for an earthquake to open the earth before me so I could disappear from sight. With no such seismic savior coming, Justin and I did our best to calm down our red-faced, screaming, demon-possessed son. He was making so much noise and causing such a scene, our chef actually made a couple of mistakes in his show. I didn't know what was worse; listening to Gryffin scream or seeing the horrified look on other people's faces. Nothing Justin or I did would calm him down.

We tried to feed him rice, which he normally loves. He responded by throwing the rice across the room. We tried to feed him vegetables. He retaliated by knocking the plate off the table. We tried to give him water. He promptly squeezed the cup until the beverage ruptured out of the top. By this time I was near tears, Justin was red-faced with anger, and our entire table of fellow diners were silently doing their best to ignore the scene coming from our side of the table.

Eventually, the chef gave us the steak and chicken part of the dinner. At last, Gryffin settled down and began to eat. Unfortunately, he decided to eat in his favorite manner. We call it the "wood chipper." He shoves food in his mouth at a continuous rate of speed, chewing all the while. It's amazing to watch, actually.

Only this time the 'ole chipper didn't work up to speed. He was shoving huge pieces of steak and chicken in his mouth before he had finished chewing the first piece. Pretty soon his cheeks bulged like a chipmunks, his mouth refused to close around the gob of food, and drool was liberally running down his neck and (formerly clean) shirt. Justin and I both tried to get him to discreetly spit out some of the mess, but he refused, screaming through his half-way shut mouth all the while. The screaming attracted the attention of our fellow diners, who glanced his way just in time to see Gryffin open his mouth and rid himself of the surplus, half-masticated meat. I do believe the gentlemen next to me gagged on his meal. I know I did.

As soon as possible, we got our check and left. I'm pretty sure I heard the restaurant applaud as we hurried out the door.

By now it was around 4:00 and we decided to walk through the Guildford Courthouse Battlegrounds in Greensboro. For those of you not versed in Revolutionary history, one of the war's deciding battles was fought at the Guilford County Courthouse. Although small in comparison to Gettysburg or Chickamagua, the park is beautifully landscaped and even boasts a small ranger station where you can view priceless Revolutionary War artifacts. Needing a bathroom break, we pulled into the station and headed in to the gift shop. I took charge of Gryffin while Justin headed to the bathroom.

Although I always feel guilty when we use it, Justin and I have purchased one of those "kiddy harnesses." It's a backpack that straps across the child's chest and stomach, with a long nylon handle attached to a clip on the top of the back. In other words, its a leash. I know it looks terrible for us to walk around with our son straining at the end of a rope like an over-eager beagle, but it helps us keep track of him and not let him run into traffic (which I think he would dearly love to do). Leash in hand, Gryffin and I began to walk through the store. Or, more accurately, Gryffin began to pull me through the store while I did my best to try and reign him in.

We eventually made our way to the kiddie section of the gift shop. I was specifically looking for a book on ghosts of Guilford Courthouse, and silently perused the book shelves while Gryffin poured over the toys in the corner. Since most of these toys were sturdy, wooden replicas of Revolutionary era weapons, I didn't think he could do much harm. Boy was I wrong. Somewhere along the way he managed to grab a pricey little "Junior Ranger" hat. Normally this would be no big deal, as I would just take it from him and place it back on the shelf. However, His Royal Highness decided to make sure this hat was his. He marked his territory by taking a bite out of the hat.

Well, since the hat was decidedly crumbled and wet-looking on one side, I knew I had to purchase the thing. I took it and a grumbling Gryffin (who was diligently trying to reach an even more expensive hat) to the counter to pay. By the time the cashier rang up our purchase and I had paid, Gryffin had decided that the cute little cannon display was his. He claimed this item by screaming loudly, "MINE!"

When you're inside a little store, whispers echo. Imagine a toddler's full-strength scream. I do believe if the acoustics had been a little better he would have shattered glass.

Finally Justin emerged from the restroom and I got my turn. As I pushed open the door and escaped into the quiet sanctuary, I heard Gryffin screaming "Mommy! Help! I stuck!" Apparently he had managed to climb INSIDE the display cannon and lodged himself in the barrel of the gun. Luckily he wasn't really stuck, but he sure did get a lot of attention.

We extricated our son and decided to call it a day. I must say I've learned my lesson. Next time Justin and I decide to do some shopping, we're going to let the little monster stay with his grandparents.

And speaking of monsters, I'm looking into a class-action lawsuit against Babies 'R Us. They really should have warning labels on their clothing.

Gryffin Always Rings Twice...

Gryffin's First Ring: (happened September 2007)



Well, I've learned another important lesson concerning toddlers. Just thought I'd pass it along. So here it is.



Never leave a cell phone unattended near a 14 month year old.



You see, my son is addicted to technology. Anything electronic fascinates him. (like vcrs). Once I took him with me to the post office and he went nuts over the electric scanner. He actually tried to crawl over the counter to get the hand-held scanner. Caused quite a scene, but that's another story. Anyway, a few weeks ago Gryffin got his hands on my cell phone. I left it on a table that I didn't think he could reach.



Apparently, I was wrong.



Now this isn't the first time Gryffin's gotten his hands on my cell phone. He likes to flip it open and push the buttons to hear the sounds they make. I went and bought him a toy cell phone that would make noises when he pushes the buttons, but he prefers the real thing. Well, to continue with the story. On this first occasion he managed to get my phone and started flipping buttons. I was in the middle of grading papers and it took a moment for me to realize what was happening. By that time, he had managed to hit the send button and had placed a call.



To Peru.



At least that's where we think he called. It might have been Bolivia. Where ever it was, they didn't speak English. Luckily, this occurred after 7:00 when all long distance calls are free.



Gryffin's Second Ring (happened Monday, October 27)

When we arrived home this afternoon, Gryffin had a Halloween card waiting for him in the mailbox. The card was from my parents in Tennessee. He excitedly ripped the envelope open and pulled out the card. He then proceeded to carry it all around the house, showing it to everyone and everything ("look cat! I got card!") Obviously, Gryffin enjoyed the card and was eager to discuss his feelings concerning the matter. So I thought it would be nice to call my parents and let him thank them for the card.

I pulled out my trusty cell phone, dialed my parents, and then gave the phone to Gryffin. He had a nice little chat with my Mom; I distinctly heard the words, "Thank you" and "card" at several points. Eventually he tired of the conversation, said "Bye-bye," and tossed the phone to me.

I told my mother goodbye and then began to do some chores around the house. Justin was busy working on the computer and Gryffin was playing in the living room. It was a nice, peaceful scene.

Eventually, I decided it was time for my nightly bedtime ritual. About an hour before bedtime, I lay down in the bed and read a book. This helps me relax from the day, calm myself for sleep, and regain inner control. If I don't get my before-bedtime-reading, I simply don't sleep well.

Anyway, Gryffin remained in the living room and Justin continued working on the computer. I heard Gryffin talking, but thought nothing unusual about this, since he talks to everything. I then heard the phone ring. Justin answered it.

Next thing I know, Justin is in the bedroom, holding the phone out to me with tears in his eyes. Concerned, I took the phone and managed a shaky, "hello." I must admit, I feared someone in the family had been hurt or was gravely ill. Luckily, that was not the case.

My mom was on the other end of the line. She was laughing so hard it was difficult to understand what she was saying. Eventually, she managed to ask me if I knew where my cell phone was.

Now, I always put my cell phone back in my purse after using it. If you've read the story of Gryffin's Peruvian phone call, you will understand the need for this habit. However, I apparently did not return my phone to its pouch because Gryffin had it. He was sitting in the recliner, holding the phone to his ear, and excitedly jabbering away.

While Justin retrieved my phone, Mom explained what happened. Apparently she was in the process of cooking dinner when the phone rang. She picked up the phone just in time to hear the "click" of a disconnected line. Seconds later, the phone rang again. Once again, she answered just in time to hear the phone hang up. Confused, she checked the Caller ID display and discovered the calls were originating from my cell phone. Immediately she grew nervous, fearing that some accident had befallen me and I was unable to maintain the phone connection. She was just about to dial my number when the phone rang again. This time when she answered she heard a small, happy little voice chirp, "Hi!"

It was, as I'm sure you've guessed, Gryffin.

Realizing that he must have hit the redial button on my phone, my Mom told him to take the phone to mommy or dada. This command did not sit well with my son, who told her "No! Mine!" He then promptly hung up.

Seconds later, the phone rang again. Mom answered, and once again heard the diminutive "Hi!" Again she tried to tell Gryffin to take the phone to one of his parents. Again, he shouted "No!" and hung up the phone.

It was at this point that Mom used her cell phone to call the house and inform us that our son had hijacked my cell phone.

We checked the placed calls display. Luckily, he only called my parents. No cross-country dispatches this time.

Since this incident, Justina and I have decided we need to work on Gryffin's behavior. It is not gong well.

The Wolfe-Smith Psychological Profile Test

The Wolfe-Smith Psychological Profile

Directions: Please read each question carefully and type in your answer. Do NOT scroll down the list before answering the questions because this will invalidate your results. You must be completely honest with your answers. If you have difficulty answering a question, go with your first impulse. Good luck!

1. If you had to pick an animal most like yourself, what animal would it be? ____________

2. What color represents you the best?_____________________________________

3. If you could have a "theme" song, what song would it be?_______________________

4. If you were stranded on a deserted island with only three possessions with you, what would you take? __________________________________________________________

5. If you could change your name, what would it be?___________________________

6. What is your favorite season?___________________________________________

7. Describe yourself using only five words. __________________________________

8. If you could travel through time, what historic event or time period would you visit first? _______________________________________________________________

9. If you were to win the Lottery, what is the first purchase you would make?________

10. What party best represents you, democrat or republican?____________________

Now scroll down to determine your profile.

Individualized Wolfe-Smith Psychological Profile
From the offices of T. Wolfe % J. Smith
1719 Morgan Drive Summersville, NC 27939 (421) 777-3918

Profile
1. If you picked a carnivore, this indicates a tendency towards aggression. Picking an herbivore, indicates a tendency towards submission. You need psychological counseling. Call and schedule an appointment.

2. If you picked one of the three primary colors (red, yellow, and blue) then you have no imagination. If you picked a secondary color (purple, green, orange, brown, or black) then you should be under the care of a psychiatrist. If you picked plaid, you should ask a responsible adult to drive you to our center immediately.

3. If you have a theme song, then you have an ego problem. Call and schedule an appointment.

4. If you did not take a cell phone, you may have a head injury or learning disability. Call and make an appointment.

5. If you changed your name, it indicates you might have a problem with self-identity or a potential for criminal enterprise. Professional counseling is necessary to determine if you are a threat to society or not.

6. Spring: you are a wimp. Summer: you are a sadist. Fall: you are melancholy. Winter: you need counseling. Call us.

7. If you can describe yourself with only five words, then you have a problem with self-understanding. Therapy is your only hope.

8. Time travel is pure theory. If you answered this question, you may be delusional. We need to see you to profile you further.

9. If you entered the lottery, then you have an addiction to gambling. Our offices offer the best treatment for addiction available in NC. Just visit our success stories at any gas station scratch-off counter for references.

10. If you picked democrat or republican, then you are naive and do not have a firm grasp of reality. You need therapy. Immediately.

Thank you for taking the Wolfe-Smith Psychological Profile. Please email and share with all your friends. Then pick up the phone and give us a call....time is crucial and you need immediate help!

By the way, if you answered all ten questions, you have WAY too much time on your hands.