A Brush with Blue

I almost died today.

Okay, that's not completely true. It would be more accurate to say I thought I was dying.

It started with my awakening around 5:00 in the morning. I couldn't go back to sleep, so I decided to head on to school and get some work done. I prefer arriving at work before the kids. I get far more accomplished in the morning than in the afternoon.

Anyway, I arrived at school around 6:00. I went about my regular school business: writing lesson plans, grading papers, and creating flipcharts and presentations. During the midst of all my activity, I began to feel a tightness in my chest. I ignored it, figuring it was simply heartburn or a remnant of my illness last week (I had a virus).

All morning long, the tightness in my chest persisted. By 10:00, it was an intense, throbbing pain that washed over me in waves. It felt like my chest was being squeezed by a boa constrictor. I continued to ignore what was happening; I didn't want to take another sick day since I missed a couple days last week due to the virus. I reasoned it was simply heartburn and continued with my business.

Lunchtime arrived and I walked my students to the cafeteria. I could no longer ignore what was happening. The pain was increasing, I was having difficulty breathing, and my limbs were tingling. Knowing these symptoms herald a possible heart attack, I tracked down the school nurse. She took my vital signs and told me I needed to get to the hospital fast.

The school secretary immediately called my husband, Justin. He left work at once and drove to Draper to pick me up. It was faster for him to get me than to call an ambulance, since his school is about a five minute drive to Draper. Anyway, they got me in the car and off we sped to the hospital.

As we drove, I realized that my situation might indeed be life-threatening. I had the terrible suspicion that I would never see Gryffiin again. I told Justin I needed to say goodbye to my son. He tried to reassure me that nothing was going to happen, but deep inside I feared the worst.

I don't remember much of what happened next. I know that Justin helped me into the emergency room and urgently told the nurse he thought I was having a heart attack. I remember the nurses laying me on the bed, stripping me of my shirt and attaching dozens of electrodes to my upper body. They hooked me up to several different machines to monitor my heart rate, blood pressure, and oxygen saturation levels.

For the next few hours, they closely monitored my condition. The pain eased and I began to feel lucid and normal once again. By the time the saline drip finished with my IV, I was feeling fine.
Apparently, the crises had passed.

According to the doctor, I did not have a heart attack. All the tests came back perfectly normal. The doctor explained that most likely I had a panic attack brought on by stress and anxiety. That diagnosis certainly fit the bill; the pain, the feeling of dying, all of those are symptoms of a panic attack. Whatever it was, I never want to experience it again.

On the way home, Justin told me what occurred right after I was admitted. I was drifting in and out of consciousness and mumbling things under my breath. At one point, I said, "I see the blue. It's so beautiful." I also smiled at something and muttered, "I'm so glad to see you! I've missed you for so long." I then told Justin, "Amadeus (my cat who died last year) is here." Justin admitted he was terrified by my statements and demeanor. For my own part, I really don't remember saying those things, and I have no idea what "I see the blue" means.

The doctor told me I needed to rest and ordered me to take the next two days off from work. He diagnosed me as suffering from acute exhaustion, brought upon by insomnia, stress, and anxiety. I'm also supposed to follow up with my family physician and try to avoid stress (and how, do I ask, is that supposed to happen??!!!). So I'm vacationing for the next couple of days.

If there's one thing I've learned from today's experience, it is this: every moment we have with our loved ones is to be treasured above all things. When I thought the end was near, I realized that the most important thing in my life is my son, Gryffin. It's amazing how such an experience can change your perception and open your eyes to the beauty that exists in your life.

The Bible says to "give thanks in all things." I thank God for my brush with blue, because now I remember the joy of living.