Gryffin's Guide for Toddlers
Here are some important things that all toddlers should remember.
1. Diapers are purely optional. If you prefer to walk around au natural, then it is best to put your diaper in a nice hiding place. I personally recommend under the sofa, in the VCR, or in the recliner.
2. Assume all papers are important official documents that need to be destroyed. Accomplish this by chewing, tearing, wadding, or eating said papers. Your parents will thank you.
3. Explore all electronic devices daily. If you push the button and something happens, then its a keeper. You should also remember to use these devices as hammers on all nearby furniture. A good whack helps improve the performance.
4. Food is not merely nutrition. It also makes a wonderful decoration. You get the best effect by throwing your food; be sure to aim at anything that looks clean. Also, food makes a great soap and will do wonders for your hair. Be sure to really rub it in.
5. Any animals in the house are fair prey. They really enjoy having their tails yanked. It is necessary to pet them with all your strength or they might not feel it.
6. If you can pick it up, it is edible.
7. The television is a wonderous invention. Your parents probably spend hours staring at the thing. You can help them enjoy their favorite shows by pushing the menu button repeatedly. It's best to wait until near the end of the show, when the dramatic music starts. That's your cue to begin pressing those buttons.
8. Bedtime is purely optional. Negotiations should be conducted during the middle of the night when your parents are asleep. This way they will be drowsy and more prone to letting you have your way.
9. Bath water is not ready to be used until you pee in it.
10. Parents communicate with other people via small devices known as cell phones. If you can get your hands on one of these babies, then you can really have some fun. Push several buttons in a row (nine is a good guesstimate) and then hit the green button. If you do this just right, you'll be treated to someone speaking in a foreign language. When that happens, you should immediately stash the phone in one of your secret hiding places. Whatever you do, don't hang up the phone before hiding it! If you manage to accomplish this, then your parents will be very happy.
11. Hide-and-seek is a terrific game. Only play this game when you are in a store or visiting friends. Your mother will really enjoy playing this with you. You can tell when she starts calling your name.
12. If you hear your full name (i.e., Gryffin Pritchett Conkle), then you should immediately head for the nearest exit. Be sure to put obstacles in your parent's path, such as diapers, food, or toys. Bonus points if you can make them fall! This is all of my suggestions for now. Look for the updated version coming soon!
A Day with Dane
12 years ago
